Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.