Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.