Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.