Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
first you must answer his riddles
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee