Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
me doing my best
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
nice challenge
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important