Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Thanksgiving

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

step 6: release the wall snake

he’s sick of your bullshit today

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.