Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
when u come home smelling like another dog
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.