Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Become ungovernable.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog