Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Jus’ sayin. 😐
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Children of the Corn Man
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Succinctly put.
