Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Nice try, NASA

Start the year as you intend to continue.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.