Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
From Facebook just now…
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?