@CountMackula

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

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@HeyZeus666

In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then mom gave birth to me.

@ryaninco

Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.

@radtoria

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

@jakery

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

@aparnapkin

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

@EliBraden

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

@shutupmikeginn

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man