@CountMackula

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

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@EmissaryKerry

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

@MsanthropyVani

Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.

@Stellar_AF

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

@finkelsteino

Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.

@WheelTod

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

@VisionBored1

Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog

@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

@Spaziotwat

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

@heartlessX0

Bartender: “Do you want a drink, miss?”nnMe: “What are my choices?”nnBartender: “Yes or No.”

@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.