You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
You Might Also Like
Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:
He’s itchy but won’t tell me where
The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries
I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon
The fish have to stay in the fish tank
His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Bartender: “Do you want a drink, miss?”nnMe: “What are my choices?”nnBartender: “Yes or No.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.