Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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I painted a hot chick with big jugs
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Sooo many times…..
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother