Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?