Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

If snakes were wide

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.