Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Thank you 🥹

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.