Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
How to draw a duck
so, is there a mister shapen head
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[eulogy]
line?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮