Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
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I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Called it
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁