Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you