Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”