Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
This January has 47 Mondays
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Salad is the decaf of food.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Mapping America’s Far Right
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.