Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

I’m sorry…what?

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

“FRAAANCE!”