sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
when a toddler tells a story
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.