Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”