Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Bruh PLEASE
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.