Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.