Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Winnipeg!!

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.