Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.