Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes