Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.