Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
You Might Also Like
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.