Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

#SuperBowl

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.