Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

💀 😭

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.