Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.