Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
live long and prosper!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.