Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

happy halloween

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy