Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
You Might Also Like
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.