Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
calling in to work dehydrated
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.