Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on