Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**