Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?