Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I Can’t Tonight…
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”