Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.