Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

The honesty is refreshing

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold