Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive