Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
the three branches of government
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…