Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative