Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Good morning

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

I’m an avid indoorsman.