“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
is this store having a stroke wtf
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.