Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

we all know this pain all too well

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out