Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
i hope my email finds you on fire
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.