Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I can’t be the only one 😂
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with