Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Woke up against my better judgment again
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
nobody’s gonna understand
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
