Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this