Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.