Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.