Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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New mindset, who dis?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.