Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
You Might Also Like
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
They also CAN sing✌️
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.