Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

cats when you pet them too long:

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.