Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Morning all.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it