Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
grotesque if literal: baby food
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then