If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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everyone has that one prude friend
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
For the ones in the back.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math