Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Doctors texting each other.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
New skill unlocked
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.