Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death