Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?