Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Möther may I have a snäck

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!