Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

A friend sent me this.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

My favorite type of men is ramen.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no