Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish
Press 1 or 2 for Indian
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
You Might Also Like
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.
Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
THE SUN HASN’T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS “THAT’S ALL FOLKS”