Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.