@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

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@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@junkyardigan

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

@Smooheed

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

@ByrdMan0914

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.

@sock_holliday

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

@Ketamine_Stalin

THE SUN HASN’T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS “THAT’S ALL FOLKS”