sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
✌️
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.