sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.