sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You Might Also Like
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
CUTE CAT‼︎
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
SPLOOT
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.