sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.