sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.