Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

greetings!

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

relationship goals

Pikachu found the lost joint

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky