Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

can’t wait til they legalize outside

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious