Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
good morning
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I love twitter
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
It’s actually Dr. whatever
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I’ve had worse
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
thank god
