Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
yes… yes…
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
screw you
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady