Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.