Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.